A Huge Thank You

I just wanted to take the time to say a big thank you for all of the support. I was not expecting the traffic I've been getting so quickly. It's definitely unreal to me. I will try to keep posting every day. So far, so good! I've just gotta keep it up.

The Fire

The fire was once so bright but the snow kept falling so it faded. She knew it would take much labor to get the fire burning bright again. The wind kept howling and the snow kept falling and she was running out of energy. She had started losing hope as the fire kept fading. She wanted to call for help but she felt no one would hear. She had just as soon decided to let the fire die that she saw him. A kind stranger. 
He at once saw her destitute situation and went to her aid. She did not understand this stranger. He seemed so different from what she had witnessed before. He built a fort around the fire to shield it from the wind and snow. He then held her hands to help warm them. She felt the calluses on his fingers as he held hers. The warmth of him seemed to radiate towards her. Then he started blowing on the fire. "Don't!" she said, "It will go out." 
"Relax," he said, "Just watch."
He found some dry brush under a nearby tree, placed it on the fire and started blowing on it again. Her eyes grew larger as she watched the flames slowly grow and slowly felt the warmth on her face. He once again took her hands in his and he brought their hands to his lips and slowly exhaled. A tingle went up her spine as she felt his breath over her frozen hands. She felt herself slowly begin to thaw.
"Who are you?" she asked. 
"Does it really matter? I'm nobody." he said. 
"I would like to thank you for your help." she said.
"I did nothing," he said,
"You could just say you're welcome." she said. He just smirked and put his arms around her.
"Come here. You're going to be ok," he said. As they were talking the flames grew larger and larger. The glow of the fire reflected off of her face. 
She couldn't remember the last time she felt so comfortable. She felt as if she had been frozen for years and the fire just kept getting dimmer and dimmer. She had felt the fire not worth rebuilding. She had become complacent and had little desire to better her situation. She felt it strange that this man whom she had never known before made her feel safe. But the warmth of the fire overcame her and she knew from that moment that she never again wanted to let it dwindle away. She wanted to keep that fire burning strong as it was melting her away.

Profanities

"Bite your tongue"
My mother always says to,
But all the words I want to let out
Just come spewing out like a sprinkler on the lawn
"Watch the language"
I hear from the damn people who speak
Profanities at every turn.
My boss just said "Shit"
Does that mean that I can too while I'm working?
"NO. Watch the language!"
But there are times that you just can't help it
When the word just rolls off the tongue,
Like when I stub my toe
Because I just ran it over with a shopping cart
Or when the glass of $80 Prada perfume
Spills and breaks at me feet, by my hand.
What else am I supposed to say?
Or how about when my dad's favorite glass,
The one that holds perfectly a full can of Coke,
Shatters when I accidentally kick it on the floor?
No other words come to mind
They are all profanities

Pleasantly Surprised

I hear the raindrops falling
As my eyelids start to close
I feel so peaceful lying here
As your cologne drifts up my nose
You pull me closer, tighter
As if you'll never let me go
My heart drifts up into the clouds
As my cheeks begin to glow
I can't believe it's happening
I can't believe you're here
You've got me hooked on you now
I hope that you're sincere
I really can't believe it
It still feels like I'm in a dream
I never would have imagined
That you'd want to be with me
But I might as well enjoy it
I'm all in for the ride
I might end up broken-hearted
Or end up pleasantly surprised.

None of Your Business

So, to all the nosy people wondering who I write about, I just want to say, it's none of anyone's business. My songs are about more than one person. Sometimes it's obvious who, but usually it's not. But who they are written about isn't really the point. The point is the emotion behind it. The point is how well people can relate to those emotions. I have many influences and inspirations. But it is fun to guess who. It's fun to imagine who it can be. :)

Blast from the Past

It's crazy how things come back to you. I had a family friend visit today that I haven't seen in years! How crazy life and timing can be sometimes! My life has taken some interesting turns these past couple of months. I've changed a few things. Some small, some pretty significant. I never would have thought that some of these things would ever happen. Guess you can't account for life throwing you curveballs. Call it fate, destiny, chance, luck, etc. But I'm enjoying it. That's all you can do. Enjoy life while you can. I always sound so preachy in these posts. But I guess that's just how I am. Life's what you make of it, so make it fun.

Hate

You talk about love

But all I hear is hate

You talk about patience

But you can’t seem to wait

Can’t wait to scream

Can’t wait to shout

Can’t wait to get your opinion out

You want a change

But you refuse to understand

You refuse to listen to your fellow man

You say to have and open mind

but your heart is closed

you reject the opinions

of those who are opposed

can’t you see what you’re doing

can’t you see the hypocrisy?

Instead of spreading love

You’re creating animosity

We need mutual respect

We need understanding and faith

You want things to change

There is a better way

Put down the fingers

We all are to blame

Stop hurling out insults

And calling out names

Show each other love, compassion and kindness

Because all of the hatred is making us mindless

If we truly want to make the world a better place

We need to understand that we are all one race

We are the race of mankind

All of our dreams can be tangible

If only we wake up and stop acting like animals

We need love more than ever

We need to believe

That only together

Can we hope to achieve

Our goal of equality

Of fairness for all

Because if we give into hatred

We will surely fall. 

My Weakness

I think it's hardly fair

How I just succumb to you

But I don't really care

I love what you put me through

You eyes can make me crumble

With just a passing glance

And when you hold me in your arms

I wish that I could dance

Chorus... Every single touch

Can take my breath away

I hear your heartbeat in your chest

Listen to everything you say

And when I finally kiss your lips

My head is in a daze

You kill me with your tenderness

I'm aching in this craze

You found all of my buttons

You have tickled every nerve

But I'll be pushing back on you

You'll get what you deserve

But only if I find my strength

I find it so hard to fight back

I'm so powerless against you

When I'm under your attack... chorus

Take from me what you will

I cannot resist you

But in this endless battle

I will neither win nor lose

"Tramps Like Us"

You smell as fragrant as a tramp
Like the flowers along the Illinois River
Masking the smell of dung and grime
The dirt and sweat of the constant flow of people
And cars in Joliet and Chicago
A businessman with a trench coat and a briefcase
Shoving you out of his way to get to work
Because he is so much more important than you are
Chevys, Toyotas, Hondas, and taxis all vying for
That last open parking spot along the sidewalk
And will even hit someone riding his bike
Because they are so much more important
But we are all the same, all worthless
All whores in the end
Giving up our time, minds, and bodies
For the chance to have something better
Something to mask the fact
That we hate what we are doing

My Heart's Winter

One drop of rain
Would be too much for this pain
I wish that I
Could see the sunshine again
It's been too cold 
For way too long
I'm starting to see
I can almost feel
The color fading away
From me and my world around me
I wanna see the sunlight
Shimmering in my hair
I want to see the flowers
Blooming everywhere
The snow has come
And the sun is gone
And with it everything is left dead
When the clouds fade away
The sun comes out again
But the sun is just deceiving me 
Because all I can feel 
Is the wind
The wind biting my nose
Stinging my skin
And I rush inside to warm up
Too afraid of the cold
I wish it would be spring
That for once it would be warm
And I'd finally see color 
Return to me and my world
Because my beloved sun
Would finally return to me
This time not deceiving me
But winter will stay for now
But flowers will soon bloom again
For the sun will shine
In the spring

Tired

I'm soooo tired!! I wanna just sleep all day tomorrow. But I can't. I have things that need to get done. I have to go to work. Another day, another dollar. I should start playing the lotto. Maybe I'll get lucky and win big.  There's so much I would do if only I had the money. I would definitely go back to school. Travel the world. Donate what I can. Get a house. A nicer car. But I don't really mind working for my money. It gives me some sense of purpose.

Good Enough

You never wanted me
I was a burden, just there
You couldn't take me back
Did you ever really care?
I guess not enough to have me
You left me behind
You couldn't handle me
Out of sight, out of mind
Was it something that I did?
Was I just a mistake?
Did I not serve a purpose?
I'm not worth it if I break
But you shut me out
So I locked it in
I can't get hurt
These tears stay within
You lived your life without me
You were able to move on
You never really needed me
I wish I was that strong
One day I will be good enough
One day I will be worth it
Someone will take me as I am
To them I will be perfect 

Free To Be Me

Why should I do

Everything you ask me to?

How can I be

Everything you want of me?

How can I find things out on my own

If you just won't leave me alone?

Can't you just be happy with who I am?

Chorus: I fee like I'm not free

Free to be the real me

I feel like I have to hide

Hide the girl I am inside

So please just let me go

Let me chose if I want to say yes or no

Why should I change

Just to please somebody else?

I know that I'm strange

I just want to be myself

Though it's like I'm wearing a mask

I hold in the questions that I can't ask

And if I don't everyone would laugh... chorus

Sometimes it's hard

I don't know who to follow

I want to listen

To the words I can't swallow

But I have to say I thank you so

For how you helped me learn and grow

I have to say it made me see

The girl I know I want to be

I know you

You only want the best for me

I'll show you

Everything that I can be

I love you so

But I just want to be me, plain me

...No one else but me

Timing

They say that timing is everything. I believe that it does make a difference. We have the choice, we make the decision, but timing can be a big influence. Make a wise decision, but don't let fear hold you back. Don't be afraid to take risks. You never know what can happen. I really don't mean to be getting preachy again but the more that times passes, the more I believe in these clichés.
We are all just ripples through the continuum.
Each wave interconnected to the next.
Like each little raindrop in the ocean.

Writer's block?

I'm not used to writing so frequently but I'm trying to make it a point to write everyday. Here's something that I just kinda blurbed out:
Maybe one day I'll be good enough
I'll show you all what I'm made of
Keep pointing out all my mistakes
I might get hurt but I won't break
I know that I'm here to serve a purpose
I don't have to prove that I'm worth it.

Mom

Mom I know it's been hard
To leave your family miles away
To give your child a chance
To live in a better place
Don't want to see us making
All the same mistakes
Want us to learn from you
And the mistakes you have made
You gave up everything
So that we would want for nothing
And made sure to let us know
We would always have your loving
Don't want to see us struggle
Don't want to see us hurt
Want to see us do better
Want us to prove what we are worth
I know you're scared you failed
That you weren't good enough
Because a child has left you
He wasn't strong enough
It's not your fault mama
That's the choice he made
He gave up on himself
But he's in a better place
I know your heart is broken
But mama please don't blame yourself
You did the best you could
How could we ask for anything else?
I know he's looking down on us
Watching us from above
I know he hears our prayers
I know he feels our love
Mama don't lose heart
We'll see him again someday
But in the meantime we'll be strong
Let him know that we're okay
He'd want us to be happy
He'd want us to forgive him
He'd want us to forgive ourselves
And to try to keep on living
Mama I know it hurts even more than you can show
But I know you'll make it through
'Cause you're the strongest one I know

Listen

Please don't budge

When I push away

I know I'm hard to handle

But I just want you to stay

I only yell so you'll hear me

But you don't hear a word I say

When I don't let it out

When fear gets in my way

Chorus: I'm not very articulate

I can't express how I feel

But I hope you understand

All I try to conceal

Is because I'm afraid

Of what you might find

In the depths of my soul

What I can't leave behind

In my mind I'm still fighting

My past, present, and future

I don't need you to fix it

I just need you to be there

To help hold me together

While I pick up the pieces

And to drown out my fears

Since my mind never ceases... chorus

I'll try not to push

Because you push even harder

I'll push you too far

But you'll push even farther

Don't give up on me now

I can't do it alone

I want you to stay

Until my demons are gone

Let Me See

Open up your heart to me
Let it go, I'll set you free
Tell me about the life you've had
Don't you dare leave out the bad
Tell me all it is you hide
Don't keep it all locked up inside
Tell me how you truly feel
All the thoughts you have concealed
I can't read minds
Don't make me try
Tell me what you think and why
Tell me all I want to know
And what can't be said, please show
I want to know it all
Don't care how far I'll fall
You see right through me 
It's hardly fair
Not knowing feels too much to bear

Untitled

Don't ever say goodbye
Those words are just too strong
Don't ever say goodnight
For the night is just too long
Too long to be without you
Too strong, it breaks my heart
For there's no me without you
It kills to be apart
Tell me you'll see me later
I can't bear to see you leave
I know I'll see you soon
In those words I will believe
I don't know where you are going
But I know where you have been
Though I may not be there with you
You are always here within

Someday I'll Learn

Don't tell me it's not too late 

I've already made my mistakes 

I can't take back what I've done 

Time stands still for no one 

Chorus: Someday I'll learn to keep my mouth shut

When I've got nothing to say

Someday I'll learn that secrets are better kept than given away

Someday I'll learn how to keep it together

Even when I feel like falling apart 

Someday I'll learn that building my walls only ends up breaking my heart

My life is already over

I handed it off to everyone else

If I can't make them happy 

I can't be happy for myself... Chorus

Eyes

You may think that you've lost everything

You may think that you're alone

But just take another look around

There's a pain you've never known

Someone else is looking at you

Thinking that you have it all

When you change up your perspective

All your problems become small

Chorus: Sometimes we cannot see

How simple it can be

To change the way we see ourselves

We're too consumed with our self pity

Our eyes will only tell us lies

We won't see the possibilities

What we need isn't doubt or sorrow 

What we need is empathy

We all have dreams we want to live

We all have demons we must fight

But when you 're taken over with your envy

You will never be satisfied

Everyone has their ups and downs

Everybody has their flaws

But when we see what other people see

We can see the beauty of it all... chorus

Give Your Love

Have you ever heard the cry of the poor?
Have you ever answered them knocking at your door?
Have you ever seen a child freezing in the snow?
Have you ever known of someone with no place to go?

Can you give everything you can
To help out your fellow man?
Give up the stuff you never use for those in need
Share your food 'til there are no hungry mouths to feed

Give your love to those who need compassion
Give your strength to the ones that are weak
Take care of every creature. It's time to take some action.
Save our earth and get back more than you need. 

The Truth is Hard to Hear

You know what really blows? The fact that money makes the world go 'round. It doesn't matter what you do, if you don't have money, you have nothing. And I can't seem to accept this harsh reality. Which is probably why I struggle so much when it comes to money. You see, I would love to make a living off of my writing, but I'm not trying to get rich off of it. I write because I have words I want to express. It would just be a dream to be able to make money off of it as well because then I could live off of doing what I love. I could actually enjoy the grind. But alas, I must still try to hustle and make a living one way or another, even if it means doing something that I don't enjoy. But one thing will be different this time: I'm NOT going to sacrifice what I love just so I can make a living. I will still do what I love in my free time. I will continue to write everyday, even if it's just a little bit. Even if it's just a quick blurb like this one to vent out my frustrations or even just to check in. Because writing, to me, is one of the only things that keeps me sane. It's one of the only things that makes anything feel worthwhile. And I refuse to give that up. I refuse to become a slave to the man and become a mindless drone that only works to get paid and nothing else. I refuse to let money take away my happiness. 

For Love or Money

Do what you love
But what you love won't get you paid
Working hard for every dollar
Wishing how you had it made
Spend your lifetime chasing money
Looking back you will regret
How much time you lost with loved ones
How easily you forget
But time is money and money is time
You can't take any of it with you
But how else will you survive?
You can't afford to lose
So tell me what am I to do
I can't win in this rat's race
I can't keep up with the hustle
I'm not made out for this fast pace
But I'm here, living my life
I gotta keep moving on
I can't live off my parents anymore
What would I do if they were gone?
Am I destined to be miserable?
How do I find the balance?
Do what I love or get paid?
Every day it's been a challenge
I'm 28 years old
I should have my act together
But I can't find anything steady
I can't keep this up forever
This journey we call life
Is so much harder than I guessed
But I have to keep up the struggle
Until they lay me down to rest

Go For It

                                              

Isn't it funny how time makes such a difference? I'm 28 years old and I just now finally decided to go after my dream. I wish I would have started sooner but one advantage to the fact that I am a little older is that I now have a little more experience. I have lived more life and hence have learned more about myself and the world around me. I know, cliche again. But it's true. And now I can use that knowledge and experience to my advantage.

I used to believe that everything happens for a reason and while I no longer believe that I can say that most things in life are the result of the choices we make. Some things are out of our control but we can choose how we let them affect us. Now I'm starting to sound preachy. I promise I don't mean to preach. I guess I've just been reflecting on things lately.

But there are so many songs, movies, books that tell us to go for our dreams. That if we work hard and persevere, we can accomplish anything. One thing that they forget to mention a lot of the time is that to truly reach our full potentials, we have to be willing to ask for help. That's the thing that I've struggled with the most my whole life. I'm a very proud and stubborn person and it bites me in the ass more often than not. But I'm working on swallowing my pride and not digging my heels in so much. Easier said than done though. Lol.

Lyrics are Poetry

So some people have told me that what I'm writing aren't songs because there is no music. In that sense, I agree. I mean, how can you have a song without the melody and rhythm? But I do believe songs are poetry set to music. I'm trying to write the poetry aspect and I'm working on the music part. I can read music and I can play basic piano and guitar but I struggle with putting it to my lyrics. But I have help. That's all I can ask for and I am so grateful. This is why I believe that music is so important: It truly does bring people together. 

Too Soon

Can you hear me from where you are?

You left us all in the dark

I can't believe that you didn't know

How much you'd break our hearts

Your memory now just shoots right through me

As I sit here all alone

I wish I could have stopped their crying

I wish we all could just move on

But love like this will last forever

No matter how much it hurts

I wish I could express my sorrow 

But I just can't find the words

Chorus: You left too soon

And now my world is dark and grey

I never thought you'd be the one

That would take your life away

I can't imagine how you must have felt

When you left us all that day

But I wish that you were still around 

To hear the words I couldn't say

I wish I could be mad at you

But all I can do is cry

I wish we knew what made you give up

I wish you would have told us why

Was there anything we could have done

To make you change your mind?

We'd give anything to have you back

But it seems that life is not that kind

They say that time can heal all wounds

But how could it when we don't have you?

These scars will never fade away

And there's nothing we can do... chorus

So Much More

Can you feel my heartbeat racing 

My skin feels like it's on fire

My cheeks are turning red now

As I'm burning with desire

My lips have never tasted yours

But I've felt your breath along my neck

I've felt the way your arms tense up

As I left marks across your back

Chorus: This time there's so much more

It's even better than before

The rush is even faster

Now that we're starting to explore

We might have done it backwards

As our clothes lay on the floor

But you saying that you want me

Only makes me want you more

Your eyes have seen my freckles

Seen every mark and every bruise

My nerves can still remember

Every single inch of you

But now my heart beats faster

As our hands are intertwined

A kiss would melt my flesh away

As your blue eyes lock on mine... Chorus

But let's try to take it slow

Let me savor every kiss

I want to know that this is real

I've waited so long for this

For the Love of Writing

As I'm starting this blog and putting my lyrics out into the world I got to thinking: Is this really happening right now? Am I actually going for it? Am I actually going to make my dream a reality? I sure hope so! I know I have a long road and a lot of work ahead of me but I'm finally ready. I'm committed to my dream and I'm not letting myself give up this time. I always give up before even really trying. Not this time! I know this might sound so cliche and mushy but I guess I'm just a big mushball. My lyrics are reflective of that a lot of the time. So full of emotions that writing feels like the only way that I can truly let them out. I'm a prisoner to my emotions until I write them down. Once I do, they no longer control me, I control them. I can mold them any way that I desire when they are written down. My pen is my machete, it rips me open and pours all of my insides out. 

Pretty Lies

Are you offended by what I say

Does my curtness make you cringe?

Should I apologize for my harsh words?

Is telling the truth considered a sin?

Should I be politically correct

So that my words don't hurt your pride?

Would it be easier for you to swallow

If I told you pretty lies?

Chorus: Pretty lies can be deceiving

But they can make the world go 'round

The truth can be too hard to hear

Because the truth can knock you down

Pretty lies can make you think

Anything and everything is possible

They can put you on a pedestal

And make you think that you're unstoppable

What makes no sense to me

Is how you people just accept it

You act like pride is most important

When your pride doesn't count for shit

You know what the lies are really worth

When you hide what you are feeling?

They might be lovely in the moment

But it's your happiness they're stealing...chorus

So don't sugarcoat your words

Don't be so artificially sweet

Don't bullshit your way through life

Only the truth will set you free

The Choice

You've got me caught in a trap

Past the point of no return

I think it's time to set me free

You think by now I would have learned

For years we've lived this lie

Telling ourselves that it's ok

But nothing is right about our truths

We must end this game someday

Chorus: There's a choice that you must make

This can't continue for much longer

I don't know if I can take much more

But what doesn't kill you makes you stronger

My heart's been ripped apart by you

So many times I've let you go

But you're never gone for very long

Why I wait I'll never know

I hate that I am tied to you

I hate that I want more

I want you, need you in my life

So what are you waiting for?

But I can't have you like you are now

I want to have you for myself

I want to know that you belong to me

Cause I won't share with someone else... chorus

Bridge: You have to go, you took too long

The choice is no longer yours

The lies you told me have unfolded

And I don't love you anymore

Starting to take the steps

So I have been writing in notebooks and loose sheets of paper all my life and have now finally decided to actually do something with it. It's pretty scary but exciting all at the same time. My initial process of putting myself out there has been trying to contact people that I know that are in the music scene. Brandon Harris has been a friend on Facebook for a while and he did one of my tattoos and I have been following his Facebook posts about music for awhile. I finally worked up the courage a couple of days ago to reach out and ask him for help. He was nice enough to offer and I am currently going over ways that he's gonna help get me out there. This is so unreal! He personally knows a large handful of bands/artists that I follow and it's amazing! I'm hoping to get my music out there and I think this is definitely going to help.

I just wish that my family were better able to understand my passion. Maybe it's the fact that I've held it back for so long that they don't completely understand but it kinda hurts that they don't. They want me to be happy for sure but they are worried that it might not work out. And though I respect that I have to admit that it feels a little disappointing that they think it might end badly. They think I should be a doctor or something else in the medical field and as much as I enjoy science and helping people, the medical field has never been my true passion. I am tired of putting my true passions on the back burner and I have decided to finally do something about it.

I am still very new to all of this. I've only ever written things in journals and notebooks and a couple of creative school assignments so putting my stuff out to the general public is scary to me. But I feel like I have something to say and I believe that music is a way for people to connect on the deepest of levels. I want people to know that they are not alone in their thinking and that love is real.

Untitled

                                                                                                                                                                                                                             

Hearts get broken every day 

A broken heart stands in my way

That's why I'm writing this for you

And to myself I'm gonna prove

I'm strong enough to survive 

Worth every minute I'm alive

I won't let fear hold me down

I'm gonna make this one count

Chorus: This Time I'm not giving in

Cause it's time I start living

Show the world what I'm made of 

Show them all I've got in me

Won't let anyone tell me

I don't deserve what I need

I've got the power inside me 

I've got the strength to succeed

I won't take no for an answer

Been through too much to give up

I've looked myself in the mirror

And said that I've had enough

I can't keep standing by

Waiting for life to begin

I can't be afraid to fail 

If I don't try I can't win... Chorus

Not giving up today

I swear I've changed my ways

Won't let anyone tell me

I don't deserve my say

Can't let pride overcome me

I can't just turn my back

On the the world that rejects me

I know I'm better than that 

Bridge: I can't keep burning bridges

It's time I start forgiving

Forgive the wrongs that were done

And forgive my own sins

I'll believe in you cause you believe in me

Prove to myself I can make it

Prove it's worth it to me.